Lately I have been blogging via my other blog, Encounters of the Daily Kind. I don't know why, but I feel like The Smokey Glass should be mostly dark or reflective, and reserved to capture my growth as a writer.
Each time I want to publish a post, I try to think about which blog to post to. I guess I don't have a good enough game plan for either blog, I haven't quite "branded" each one. Yet, I am not comfortable with posting to just one of them. When I think of Encounters, I think about funny, ironic happenings. On the contrary, when I think of this blog, I think of writing my autoethnography and my struggles associated with reframing a particular story of my life. Then I get frustrated because I don't want either blog to be about just one thing.
I'm not sure what I need to do here. It also probably doesn't help that I haven't worked on my autoethnogrpahy project in over a month so haven't felt much like writing on this blog or even thinking about it. I fear starting back up on the autoethnography because each time I work on it I seem to end up in a really dark place. Since I stopped working on it a month ago, I have gained a more light-hearted perspective on many things in my life. I need to finish it though, I want to get back into it, I am just afraid of becoming angry again.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Evolution of Dreams
I'm sure you've probably noticed, but you've already gone farther than you used to dream of going.
Please tell me you've noticed.
Awhile ago I signed up to receive daily inspirational messages from The Universe. (I only get them Monday-Friday, apparently the Universe is off-duty for the weekend.) I look forward to them in my inbox each day, even though I believe that everyone who has signed up for these notes gets the same one. When you first sign up, you are asked some questions and led to believe that the daily messages are tailored to your individual life and goals, yet on many occasions my sister and I have received the same message. At first I was discouraged by this reality, but then I realized that it doesn't matter because every person will make meaningful connections and what is most important, what is The Secret, is that I believe in these messages and to do so I believe in myself.
Today's message is very personal. Finally graduating with my BA, and at the top of my class, is testament to this message from my friend, the Universe. Just the other day I was thinking about how far I have come and how I finally gave myself the chance to meet and exceed my capabilities. Ten years ago I would have never felt confident enough to walk in to a college classroom, and even if I had, and for many reasons I wouldn't have totally applied myself. I wasn't in a supportive environment. Now I have a partner who stood on the sidelines, rooting for me all along, and often got right in the heat of the game with me, supporting my every move. If I were the quarterback, he was my whole offensive line. Ten years ago my priorities were all screwed up. Having a supportive partner now gave me the chance to sort out my priorities because he wants the best for me, which makes me want to achieve my best. Although I had an interest in going to college a decade ago, I never did anything about it. I never looked into colleges and believed I needed to know why I was going in order to justify spending all that time and effort on something productive. When I went back to school four years ago, I had one direction: forward. How I would get there, why I wanted to be there, and what it would look like when I achieved success didn't matter.
Like any journey, this most recent one suffered casualities, and there were times while I was in college that I had no idea what I was going to do when it was all done. There were times I searched for definition of what my future would hold. I searched for tangible proof that my efforts would pay off. Other times I took all that negative energy and put it towards my coursework, which truly paid off. The whole time, when asked why I was so hard on myself, why would I have to get an "A" like my life depended on it, I always had once response: The "A" was my paycheck. I was putting in all this work, and I was banking on succeeding, no matter what.
Ten years ago my dreams were hopeless. The dreams I had ten years ago are now nightmares to the person I am today. I am so glad I never wished on a star for any of those dreams to come true. The reality is, I truly have come farther than I ever thought I would. I think deep down I always knew I was capable of being who I am now, of this type of gratifying success, but back then I vehemently denied myself the chance to let the person I am today to surface out of fear. The feeling of power you gain from realizing your own success, measured by your own standards, is intoxicating, and I feared being drunk on myself.
Please tell me you've noticed.
Awhile ago I signed up to receive daily inspirational messages from The Universe. (I only get them Monday-Friday, apparently the Universe is off-duty for the weekend.) I look forward to them in my inbox each day, even though I believe that everyone who has signed up for these notes gets the same one. When you first sign up, you are asked some questions and led to believe that the daily messages are tailored to your individual life and goals, yet on many occasions my sister and I have received the same message. At first I was discouraged by this reality, but then I realized that it doesn't matter because every person will make meaningful connections and what is most important, what is The Secret, is that I believe in these messages and to do so I believe in myself.
Today's message is very personal. Finally graduating with my BA, and at the top of my class, is testament to this message from my friend, the Universe. Just the other day I was thinking about how far I have come and how I finally gave myself the chance to meet and exceed my capabilities. Ten years ago I would have never felt confident enough to walk in to a college classroom, and even if I had, and for many reasons I wouldn't have totally applied myself. I wasn't in a supportive environment. Now I have a partner who stood on the sidelines, rooting for me all along, and often got right in the heat of the game with me, supporting my every move. If I were the quarterback, he was my whole offensive line. Ten years ago my priorities were all screwed up. Having a supportive partner now gave me the chance to sort out my priorities because he wants the best for me, which makes me want to achieve my best. Although I had an interest in going to college a decade ago, I never did anything about it. I never looked into colleges and believed I needed to know why I was going in order to justify spending all that time and effort on something productive. When I went back to school four years ago, I had one direction: forward. How I would get there, why I wanted to be there, and what it would look like when I achieved success didn't matter.
Like any journey, this most recent one suffered casualities, and there were times while I was in college that I had no idea what I was going to do when it was all done. There were times I searched for definition of what my future would hold. I searched for tangible proof that my efforts would pay off. Other times I took all that negative energy and put it towards my coursework, which truly paid off. The whole time, when asked why I was so hard on myself, why would I have to get an "A" like my life depended on it, I always had once response: The "A" was my paycheck. I was putting in all this work, and I was banking on succeeding, no matter what.
Ten years ago my dreams were hopeless. The dreams I had ten years ago are now nightmares to the person I am today. I am so glad I never wished on a star for any of those dreams to come true. The reality is, I truly have come farther than I ever thought I would. I think deep down I always knew I was capable of being who I am now, of this type of gratifying success, but back then I vehemently denied myself the chance to let the person I am today to surface out of fear. The feeling of power you gain from realizing your own success, measured by your own standards, is intoxicating, and I feared being drunk on myself.
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