Morphing into a Nightmare

It has happened again, although it has been a long time since it has happened last.

I enter sleepy dreamy land, content with the strong and cuddly arm of my fiance wrapped around me. I feel secure, content, happy, and sleepy. We both drift off and let our unconscious' take over.

Once again, he penetrated my dreams. Practically ruining my night, and my day, for today. Every time he enters my dreamland, he poisons my soul for a little bit of time, regardless of how hard I try and fight the intrusion. I feel anxious, sad, depressed, helpless and hopeless, among other emotions when I am in this state of sleep, and usually for a little while after I wake up, with a horrific hangover from the nightmare.

It always starts out the same, it is my boyfriend (who is the love of my life, my fiance, my soul mate, my best friend), and I. We are doing some nonchalant thing, maybe at a party, maybe getting ready for the wedding, maybe just hanging out at home. Suddenly, I feel as if there is something wrong. It is as if my dream fast-forwards, and I don't even know where the rewind button is. What I do know is that something is terribly wrong with him. He has done something. Or he doesn't want to be with me. Or he is playing games with me. Or he is lying to me about something horrible. And I try, and try, and try to get him to be honest, to tell me the truth, to stay with me. I am afraid he has been unfaithful in this nightmare. I am afraid we won't get married. I am afraid that he has committed the unforgivable. And I just keep asking him, and asking him, and trying to figure it out, and crying, and spinning my engagement ring around and around on my hand, as if I can not bear to think of my body without this piece on it.


All of these emotions are very real in the nightmare, and have been very real in my past, conscious, real-life. Except my fiance has never made me feel this way, especially in the way this monster that lies in my unconscious has. In my dream, it is not even my loving fiance anymore. He slowly morphs into him and although I feel as if it is my current boyfriend, I know that physically and emotionally, it is him. And all of what I am feeling is exactly the way he had made me feel when we were part of each other's lives. When I was old enough to know better and too young to walk away.

Why does this happen? How can my perfect man turn in my dreams? At the beginning, I used to blame it on him. I would get anxious, and ask him questions regarding his whereabouts and his love for me. Then, I finally realized this is not necessarily his issue. It is an issue from my past, and although it is a part of me and therefore something we should deal with together, there is no preventing these nightmares, this intruder, from gaining entry to my unconscious.

Sometimes, as this morning, I wake up holding onto my fiance so tight, with tears in my eyes, as if I have actually just been through some horrific incident and I am so happy that he is there, and we are together.

I just want him out. I left long ago, I have no regrets. I take that back: I regret never telling anyone what I had been through, I regret not getting help when the sting was fresh, I regret not leaving sooner. Well, the last regret would not lead me to where I am today. I would have not been with my fiance had it not been for this past relationship. Although, deep down, I think our souls would have found each other, it would not have been the perfect timing it has proved to be.

A long time ago, when this nightmare was my real, everyday life, I would go and see a psychic. Someone who was a stranger, who I could confide in, and did not require a referral or follow-up appointment from my practitioner. The psychic pulled a card and asked me who the man in my life was that began with a "J." At the time, no such man was in my life. Then, she placed down the card and I see that it is a type of knight in shining armor, on a horse that is standing on its hind legs. The knight looks brave, and has a sword in his hand. The psychic tells me that the knight, the "J," will protect me, that he is my soul mate. This person will fight for me and will do whatever it takes to be with me, and love me, and stay with me. I was perplexed, and actually annoyed that she didn't have anything enlightening to say about him. At this time, I still could not imagine a life better than the nightmare I was living. I didn't think I deserved it.

Shortly thereafter, I met my "J" and he is all that the psychic predicted and more. He has been waiting to fight my battles, waiting to save my life, waiting to marry me. And now, both of us can live happily ever after.... These nightmares, this person is nothing compared to what my knight and I have.